Sunday, January 29, 2006

You're Not Thinking 4th-Dimensionally...



BBC1's time-travel crime drama is so brilliant. But that's enough about Crime Traveller, what's Life On Mars like?
It's a surprisingly involving, well-written and directed piece of (whisper it) Science Fiction. It could so easily have been a horrifying amalgam of Good Night Sweetheart and That Seventies Show. It avoids that for a number of reasons, including, but not limited to;

1)Good writing. Tackling cultural differences between the time periods without erring on the side of either needlessly 'gritty' realism or campy 'remember Spangles' nostalgia was always going to be tricky, but so far they've managed it. At first I was afraid it would be putting big emphasis on how police officers are hamstrung by procedure now but were freer then ,but in fact the Seventies is coming off a lot worse in comparison, without being vilified. The third episode managed to combine CSI style procedural, tense gun-play, tape recorder comedy, and a commentary on the industrial decline of seventies Manchester.

2) Back To The Future references. Come on, when he's initially gone back, and he sees the billboard announcing the new bypass, all it needed was John Simms to be wearing an eighties inflatable style jacket.

3)Characters. John Simms' DCI is a likeable, passionate 21st Century man. Most cop shows have some kind of quirky maverick character, but Tyler's quirkiness comes from the fact that he's stranded in the past and thinks he's hallucinating, making the other characters seemingly view him as some kind of insane genius well-ahead of his time.

4) The Test Card Girl comes to him in his sleep and hassles him to compliment her clown. You have no idea how much I enjoyed typing that sentence.

Grow



After complaining about things that irk me I've decided to write about 5, no, 6 things that are just great.
I've never been particularly interested in gardening, beyond my use of a 'grow your own venus flytrap' kit when I was 8, hampered by the realisation after 6 weeks that they'd failed to include the seeds.
I want instant results and that's why I love the Grow series of games from Eyezmaze. They obey their own twisted dreamlike logic. I find it very difficult to critique them. They're essentially short-lived order puzzles, but have such charm and beautiful design that it hardly matters.

Grow- Original flavour

Grow RPG- Sword and Saucery

Grow Cube- Hidden Dragon

Grow Ornament- A Christmas Treat

Friday, January 20, 2006

Nothing To Do With The Age Of Aquarius



I still enjoy visiting theme parks. There's something about the lurid, slightly tacky artificiality of it all that gives me goosebumps, like maple 'flavoured' syrup.
As a child my favourite ride was The 5th Dimension. It wasn't a roller-coaster but was instead a 'dark ride', an experience, in which you were shrunk down, sent into a television and threatened by a variety of stiffly moving science-fiction villains. Then you collectively fired lasers at some kind of evil monster.
I'm delighted to find that there's a website. Less delighted to find that the ride was in fact a big failure, and the makers of it felt it was 'unrealistic'. I found it totally convincing, even scary. But then I was a weird child. It even turns out that Douglas Adams contributed something to the script, although no-one, including Adams, seemed to know what that was. Anyway, go to the site and try to channel my kinder-joy.
Of course the ride that replaced it, Terror Tomb, was weird for entirely different reasons...

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Don't Do That...



1)If you’re strapped for a way to start a film, television show or novel, don’t go to the dictionary, look up the subject, and then just print the entry. That’s just… so slovenly it makes me want to barbecue your possessions.

2)If you want to promote a show, or a season of shows, or anything, don’t put together a trailer of clips where it seems like the characters are answering a question you posed in voiceover form.

3)If you want to make a character seem ‘cool’, don’t do the ‘slow-motion punctuated by a brief flurry of fast-motion in the middle’ camera trick, as used in Fight Club, and then everything else on this planet. It’s morphing. It’s bullet-time. It’s dead in the water and scaring the fish.

4)The phrase ‘End of.’ Just…just don’t. I’m begging you.

5)If you want to fill some dead air, don’t just get together a group of comedians and get them to moan about current events or little things that get on their nerves.
No-one wants to hear a list of someone’s pet gripes.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Christmas-Bot e-card


For those who might be interested, this was my Christmas E-Card. Click on it to make it more legible, but not any funnier.

'Tis the season to shoehorn some kind of festive reference into the heading of this post

It's traditional over Christmas to consume a great deal of matter that's extremely bad for you and leaves you feeling bloated and sick, be it food, drink, or television, and this year that's exactly what I did. The only programme that earned any merit was the extremely silly Dr. Who Christmas Special, which managed to somehow combine killer Santas, Iraq War criticism, sword-fighting, Douglas Adams references and Penelope Wilton as the Prime Minister, and make it work. Just.
So instead of reviewing the real programmes I decided to invent some and review those instead.
Here.
(Thanks to Lee for the lovely magazine design.)

Monday, January 02, 2006

2006 Predictions




-Gay Marriages will be followed by Gay Christenings, Gay Harvest Festivals and Gay Easter. Pentecost will remain merely Bi-Curious.

-To save money and create jobs, the government will remove all CCTV and speed cameras and instead assign everyone in the UK a person to watch them 24 hours a day. The Special Stalking Service or 'Triple S' will be mainly populated by Care In The Community patients and the elderly.

-Tigers, Lions, Leopards etc will all be collectively re-named 'X-Treme Cats'.

-Then, in March, Scientists in Toronto will successfully create a tiny black hole, into which our entire solar system will instantly implode.

- That's pretty much it. Have a good few months, everyone!