Trailer...

A centuries-old prophecy.
A secret society.
A desperate race against time.
An ancient secret.
An earth shattering revelation.
An insoluble mystery.
A deadly assassin.
An unimaginable device.
An extraordinary book.
A man caught in a web of deceit.
An even more ancienter secret.
A woman caught in the same web of deceit.
An inescapable prison.
A passing dog accidentally caught in the aforementioned web of deceit.
A hidden link between famous historical figures.
Full frontal nudity.
The next part of The Gingerbread Grail.
Soon.

When brilliant scenes happen to so-so films

The film: Toys
The scene:'How do you feel?'
So Leslie Zevo and his sister need to break into the toy factory that's been taken over by his psychotic Ex-Army uncle. The only problem is the CCTV surveillance. What's the answer? Ninja outfits? Divert the video feed to a loop tape of an empty corridor? Get real!
What the situation clearly demands is secretly relabelling the surveillance screen 'MTV' and staging an elaborate, Magritte influenced art-punk music video in the corridor.

"Memories of things that never happened
these are always the hardest to forget
all the old friends and the loved ones
these are the people you haven't even met
looking forward into the old days
looking back at what there will be
there's no reality it's just an illusion
there's no real sanity just plain confusion."

This really has to be seen to be appreciated. So go and watch it.

Gremlinhood

Gremlins is about being a first-time parent. Really.
Gizmo the Mogwai represents all the good things about having a child. He’s cute and talented, a quick learner, sings sweet little tunes to himself and is covered in thick, all-over body hair.
However he comes with a whole series of seemingly illogical, annoying rules, much like a newborn. No light, no water, don’t feed after midnight.
They break the water rule and are suddenly surrounded by more Mogwais. When you have a kid you’re suddenly moving with other new parents and before you know it you’re surrounded by kids, none of which are as cute as yours, just like the new Mogwais.
Then they break the feeding rule and the Gremlins arrive from sticky, slimy cocoons that are resonant of the body horror of birth. Yes, I know it’s not following in strict chronological order, it’s artistic…
The Gremlins represent the less palatable side of parenthood. They’re violent and disruptive, hyperactive, nasty and snotty and just as quick to learn as Mogwais, but with a negative impact. Then they start smoking and wielding guns. Teenagers.
The film ends with the destruction of the Gremlins, leaving only Gizmo. Does this represent the return to docile infanthood that comes with old age? Or did it just make for a more dramatic denouement?
Yeah, the latter.
I should point out I don't actually have a child.
Next week Gremlins 2: The post-colonial reading.

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 3

Greene moved quickly towards the light. He smiled at the seated man, projecting an irreproachable air of calm and genuine warmth.
“How can I help?”
“You can help by having, by, by bringing me the scotch I ordered 20 minutes ago!”, the man barked. His face was the colour of spoiled ham, with huge pores like the holes in a shower head. He already had several scotches under his belt, although Greene was amazed there was room.
Greene’s smile was one that an elderly man might bring out for the arrival of a friend he hadn’t seen for 20 years. It spoke of brotherly love and endless feeling. It bounced off the man’s prickly demeanour with no effect. He was clearly used to bullying his way through life, shouting and intimidating anything directly in the way of all his desires. That’s how he became the famous implementer of the Hythe beach pebble recycling programme.
“I’m really sorry sir, I’ll get you your drink immediately.”
Greene moved down the aisle towards the galley at the back of the plane. The drunken fool hadn’t ordered a scotch at any point, but when you sit in first class the very laws of time and space bowed to your mighty wallet. He heard the man mumble obscene personal insults under his breath, but just within earshot, intended to be heard.
His left forearm started to itch uncontrollably. Finally. He excused himself and locked himself in the airplane bathroom. Then with a shaking hand he carefully rolled up his left sleeve and examined the area.
Thousands of tiny marks, intricately patterned freckles, had now appeared on his arm. He ran through a series of quick calculations in his head, evoked a few unusual ciphers. Cracked an entirely different smile, like a knife wound with teeth.
St James Garlickhithe. Why did he always seem to be killing people in Churches? At least presumably their soul got a nice quick transit in whichever direction it was going.
He wouldn’t have long after he landed. No time to rest or prepare. He’d have to improvise. This pleased him.
He was less than pleased by who would accompany him.
Who would accompany him? This time, I want you to come up with a partner for Greene. You choose the gender, appearance, name, history, personal hygiene and facial hair of this pivotal character! How many stories allow you to do that? Well, several, but none contain as much BRAIN-CHURNING EXCITEMENT as this one. You know this because I said so. In capital letters.
And for an extra thrill, you choose which genre the next chapter is written in. That’s right! Force me to churn out a dubious romantic subplot, or introduce a western flavour, or, hell, anything you like. Mail me your suggestions at the link on the right, or just put them in the comments box.
Pull the strings!

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 2 Concluded

Inside, to his amazement, was…
Nothing. The drawer was empty. That rattled his brain-cage. Julian had definitely dropped something in here. He ran his hand along the inside to see if he could find some kind of secret compartment or concealed ceramic lever. He lifted up the drawer lining but couldn’t see anything strange.

The lining.It was an archaic looking floral pattern, a funeral parlour cutting, but as the only object in the drawer David was Occam’sed into examining it. Maybe if he held it under an ultra-violet light, or rubbed a sliced parsnip against it…
Suddenly out of the corner of his vision he saw it. Floating just in his line of sight.
It was a Magic Eye picture of a poodle. And not just any poodle…
The applause of a toilet flush sounded nearby and in a flourish David slipped the lining back in, shut the drawer, and practically barrel rolled through his tiny tunnel back to his own desk.
A couple of minutes later Julian came by, his industrial-sized Kevlar backpack monted on his broad-shoulders. Wordlessly they both made their way to the door.
Passing the vending machine David stopped and inserted a couple of pound coins. What would be most useful? Medium sized forceps? A pre-sterilized scalpel? Any number of hufnagels? In the end he decided to buy an NIH style neuro-punch and some towels, tucking them in his inside pocket. He didn’t know if he’d have to use it but he’d feel more secure with some obscure medical equipment cuddling up to his ribs.
They left the cabin just in time to see the bus to the station arrive at the stop, 50 feet down the slope of the mountain. They both broke into a swift run and just managed to make it inside.
Claiming two seats at the back, Julian shifted his rucksack onto his lap and entering the 12 digit code opened the side compartment, pulling out a small stack of note-cards.
“A little public speaking, perhaps?” he ventured.
“Thought you’d never ask.” Said David, and, securing a ropeline to the nearest chair, stood up and prepared to introduce Julian to the lucky bus-travellers.

Drawer Lining Design provided by The Inspiration Gallery.

New Trailer

The ideas are in! Thanks for everyone who took part Once again, anything that doesn't appear in the conclusion of Chapter 2 will turn up somewhere.
Prepare yourself for the soul-shattering, tectonic-plate colliding, eyebrow-plucking next part of The Gingerbread Grail, which will be interactive in a totally new way...
The clock is ticking. And is made of God's frozen urine.

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 2

David googled St. James Garlickhythe. If he left now he’d arrive in London with plenty of time to get to the church.
Before leaving he’d pay a visit to the office’s vending machine, which due to a bizarre operational mix-up didn’t contain drinks or high-salt and sugar snacks but something rather less usual.
But who’d go with him? Most of the team were out on assignment, rescuing endangered climbers with a skilful mix of belaying and club-juggling. The only one left in the office was Julian Holmstrom, a part-Danish ex-full-time clown and part-time full-throttle extreme sports fanatic.
David printed out the email and walked over to Julian’s desk, which, despite being only 4 feet away, often took at least 5 minutes to reach. This was principally because the room in which the Clowntaineers were headquartered was being used to store a batch of counterfeit X-Boxes, which the convential rescue service had found concealed in a cave of little historical interest. There were 563 Y-Boxes in the room, stacked to the ceiling, and the course you were required to make through them was needlessly circuitous.
As David finally rounded the corner Julian was holding something which, at sighting David, he quickly dropped into a drawer and closed very quickly. David handed him the email.
“Want to see?”
Julian nodded. He rarely spoke, preferring to communicate with facial expressions and sudden brutal violence, although he was much more fluent in the latter. Despite this David had established a great rapport with him, based around their three mutual interests.
David returned to his desk and began packing his bag. However, he heard Julian set off on the 15 minute journey through the boxes to the toilet, and very quietly, using all his mime skills, dropped to his knees, then pulled out the box which revealed his secret shortcut to Julian’s desk.
Emerging quickly on the other side, he very gently pulled open the drawer.
Inside, to his amazement, was…
What? What was inside? Tell me.
And while you’re at it, tell me what the vending machine vends.
And furthermore, what mutual interest do David and Julian share beyond mountaineering and clowning?
Send your suggestions to the email address above! Be part of the most exciting interactive cultural event since The Great Witch Hunt! (1567-1640)

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 1 Concluded

David had made a lot of adventurous friends at his new job, which was that of a Mountain Clown, part of an experimental pilot scheme in the south-east, headquartered at Leith Hill Mountaineering Centre. Somewhat akin to a Rodeo Clown, Mountain Clowns were hired to distract the particularly aggressive native goats of the area while parties of mountaineers escaped. It was dangerous and often odd job, capering around in the freezing rain, trying to wipe melting white make-up out of his eyes with one hand and distracting a violent ram with a hastily constructed balloon animal held in the other.
The 10 strong team of the Clowntaineers (as they’d been dismissively dubbed) were either extreme sports enthusiasts who’d bought a face-paint set from their local fancy dress shop, or circus performers black-listed for their psychological problems. David was the only one there with advanced training in both disciplines, but that earned him more respect than envy, and he had great affection for the members of the team.
They’d back him up on this little excursion.

Trailer 2

Well, I've received literally several emails with job suggestions for the protagonist David Watts, and I like them all so much I'm going to use them in the story one way or another. Prepare yourself for the second chapter, which will not only contain such awesome secrets that it will actually undermine the very foundations of western civilisation, but is also three times as interactive. It's Own-Brand Dan Brown!

7 possible titles for sequel to 'Batman Begins'

Christopher Nolan says it won't be Batman Continues.
Good.
I suggest:

1)Batman Keeps Going

2)Batman Finishes, Then Washes His Hands

3)Carry On Batman

4)Batman Re-returns

5)Spider-Man 4

6)Batman But Not Robin In Any Form Whatsoever

7)The Joker's In This One

Tales From The Fridge

On the back of my packet of microwavable chocolate-filled crepés it says:
'Cooking Time: 13 secs
Allow 2 seconds before opening and consuming'

I can't think of a way it's physically possible not to wait 2 seconds before opening and consuming, short of having a microwave that unwraps and catapults the food directly into your mouth the exact moment the timer pings.
But maybe they're quite common now. I can't say I'm up on the latest microwave technology.
Anyway, read the post below, it's much more interesting and is Blogteractive™, an unwieldy and annoying phrase I promise never to use again.

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 1

Date: 16th July 2004
Subject: GammahydroxybutyrateGreenEnterRaidAchesItemsIgnition
BacteriorhodopsinsAntsGammahydroxybutyrateRecievedpronunciationEnergised DeinstitutionalizedNapierianlogarithmRadioimmunologicalLactatedehydrogenase

From: dfjddjfkv@fkgkggkf.tk
To: d.watts@***mail.co.uk

Have to get this out somewhere before I die but unfair to load onto friends or family.
Picked you at random. Filtered this. All I can do.
What you choose to do with it is your own business.
11:49 20th July
St James Garlickhithe
Watch for the sour men.

And I’m done.

PS- Not totally at random. Always liked The Kinks.

It began, as so many stories do, with a man clearing out his email inbox because he hadn’t checked it for 2 weeks because he’d been rushed into hospital after nearly choking to death on a half-digested piece of calamari while having dinner with a wig salesman.
David hadn’t been paying attention, distracted by a window cleaner outside nearly falling off his platform and had accidentally clicked on the spam. It seemed a little off, a considering that it was usually an entreaty to send someone his bank details or to get a large supply of Cialis, whatever that was.
It came from an address that was little more than a jumble of letters and had a subject line compose of random words but the actual email was strangely lucid. It didn’t look like it was randomly sent to him because whoever had sent it had at least picked up on the David Watts/ Kinks reference that had annoyed the scones out of David since childhood.
It sounded like some kind of attempt at a wind up, some kind of elaborate
con where someone convinced you to go to a church in the middle of the night and turned you over, probably some kind of elaborate mugging/happy slapping arrangement with religious overtones.
But what was it about this that caused a potent burning sensation deep within his sinuses, indicating that receiving this email was the most significant event in his entire life, possibly not including his actual birth and/or death? What?
David was sick of such scams. Today was the 20th. He was sorely tempted to gather a few of his more hardy friends and make that 11:49 appointment at the Church, apprehend these parasites.
David had made a lot of adventurous friends at his new job, which was…

Now it’s your turn! What was David’s new job? Fishmonger? Pinball Machine Designer? International Jewel Thief! Email your own suggestion to me* at the address at the top of the page and the best one will go into this poorly constructed, entirely unplanned conspiracy tale! Thrill at the thought of being part of this exciting mystery! Impress the more simple-minded of your friends!
INTERACT!



*But not any of the suggestions I made because that would defeat the point.

Trailer

On Sunday an amazing secret that has laid dormant for thousands of years will begin to be revealed: And you decide how, in Chapter 1 of my deliberately bad interactive conspiracy blog thriller, 'The Gingerbread Grail'!
Wow.

Notes

As Mr. F pointed out in his blog, I gave him a tip about working on more than one project, i.e. assigning a particular type of music to each show. I have to admit I first got the idea from an interview with comics writer Devin Grayson.
I’m currently listening to Devo for one project, Ultralounge CDs for another, Man… Or Astroman for a third, and yet another is soundtracked by 30s French Café Music. Sometimes the mental gear change can be less than smooth, and sometimes my brain stalls and I zoom rapidly backwards to the bottom of a creative hill. But most of the time it works. It’s best to use instrumental music though, or the words can pour from your ears directly into your brain and then onto the page, and before you know it you’re writing a film based on Avril Lavigne's Sk8er Boi.